I need to stop over thinking and focusing on the shitty things and focus on all the awesome stuff I have coming up soon, like:
Slam Dunk/The Blackout
T in the Park/The Blackout
Blink 132/The Blackout
AMERICA
Moving into an awesome house with awesome people.

I need to just let people be selfish and fucking dumb and not let it get to me. If they want to be a dickhead to me, then let them BUT don’t let it change anything. 

When I look at myself in the mirror, I struggle to understand both how and why people can stand to be in the same room as me. 
I fucking hate the way I look, so much.
I see just a really fat face and neck attached to a big pair of boobs and a chubby, un toned and down right disgusting tummy.
My legs make me feel physically sick almost as much as my tummy and I hate them. 

It doesn’t matter how much I try and lose weight, it just doesn’t shift because that’s just the way my body is.

I hate my arms because they’re all scarred and go all white and purple sometimes and the scars on the top of my arms are so big they make my arms look wider and therefore fatter.

Argh, hate my body and face so much.  

Every time Jake goes out with people and I’m not there I get really upset and I just want to cry all the time and I don’t know why. 
I’m not an obsessive girlfriend who keeps tabs on everything he does or anything like that, it’s just something in my head just makes me so fucking upset about it that it just changes my mood completely and I look like a bitch.
I think it’s something to do with the fact that the whole time that I was with Tom, he’d tell me he was in one place but really be in another, or say he was with somebody but he’d be with somebody else and he’d hide everything from me which obviously caused a large amount of upset. 
I need to train my brain to know that everything’s fine and I’ve got nothing to worry about, that is of course as long as Jake’s telling me the truth which I highly doubt he wouldn’t be.
It’s so weird that being with one person can be so bad that even two years later you find yourself incapable to trust even the people closest to you.
I have a massive knot in my throat like I need to cry but I’m trying to train my head not to think so badly of everybody, especially Jake because he really is the best person ever.

Being with Tom has made so many things difficult, even now and we broke up in 2010. I should be able to take somebody’s word for something, anything but it’s so hard. I should be able to trust that when somebody tells me something, it’s the truth; but I just can’t. 
I should feel happy every day because I’m not being held down by him anymore but I can’t because when we were together he made me so sad every day that I held myself down because of the things he’d say to me and I’m still holding myself down. 

I didn’t get into a relationship for so long after him because I didn’t want the mental strain that a relationship can put on you but I realise now that a relationship shouldn’t contain any mental strain, so why is it constantly there?
I hate him. I hate him so fucking much for making me into this person that I’m not. 
I used to be so fucking happy and not give a fuck about anything or anybody but now all I do is over think, worry and feel shit about myself. 
The worst part is I can never explain how much of an impact he had on my life, because there are no words to describe it well enough and people always just assume that he was a bit of a prick who lied a few times when that really isn’t the case at all. 

If I had never of met him I wouldn’t have continued self harming (I was recovering when I met him). I wouldn’t have lost trust in everything because I’m scared that everything good in my life is a lie, or a joke. 
I know I can’t blame him fully for who I am now, but I can blame him for working my head into overdrive and to the point where I literally went insane.

Jake isn’t Tom, I appreciate that and I know I need to stop referring everything that happens back to him but it’s so hard when it’s all my head is used to. 
When I’m with Jake, for a little while everything just stops. When it’s just me and him together I feel like I could fucking do anything and just be happy forever. He makes me feel like the queen of the world and something that is actually worth something. But I can’t be with him all the time and when I’m not everything is fucking shit. 
I just want to completely self destruct.

I wish I could change everything and just be normal. 
I don’t want to be paranoid and sad anymore.